In Session
by Kalta79
Summary: This is what happens when a gamer watches too much Judge Judy...this is a nonsensical parody, if you can't handle the characters of FFVII being made fun of, don't read it. This is also a double mpreg story.


"All rise, the Honorable Reeve Tuesti is now presiding." Barret announced, temporarily acting as a bailiff. Everyone in the court rose as Reeve appeared and took his seat on the bench. "First case is Sinclair vs. Strife, Your Honor." Barret handed the file to Reeve. "Will the parties please step forward?"

A rather fat Reno half-waddled to the plaintiff's table followed by Elena, as a chubby Cloud walked to the defendant's table with Tifa. Barret swore them in, and then asked everyone to take their seats.

"Mr. Sinclair, I see that you are suing Mr. Strife for child support. Might I ask you to explain the situation?" Reeve asked.

"He's my baby's daddy and I want his money!" Reno exclaimed, pointing a finger at Cloud.

"Calm down, sir." Barret warned Reno.

"I can see that, but how exactly did this happen?" Reeve continued his questioning of the plaintiff.

"I went to make a delivery to Shinra Laboratories, next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital bed, with the defendant in the next room. Two months later I go to the doctor when I'm not feeling well, and they told me I'm pregnant. I went to the lab and they did a paternity test and apologized for the mix-up." Reno explained. "I have the paternity test results right here if you're interested."

"I have a copy of the results already, and how much are you expecting the defendant to pay out each month?"

"$500!"

"Don't you have an income of your own that would support a child?"

"No. I can't work like this, I'm five months pregnant!" Reno complained. Elena quickly grabbed his hand and squeezed it to calm him down. He had been so _moody_ since this all started.

"Mr. Strife, do you have the means to pay what Mr. Sinclair is asking for?" Reeve asked.

"I can only afford $300 a month. I'm a delivery boy, for crying out loud!" Cloud exclaimed.

"Miss Lockhart, it says here that you and Mr. Strife are a couple, and he is living with you, is that correct?" Reeve asked her, after he had Barret swear her in as a witness.

"Yes, Your Honor." Tifa replied.

"And you own a bar, called the 7th Heaven, is that also correct?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Do you pay all the monthly bills that the two of you have, or does Mr. Strife?"

Tifa hesitated for a moment. "We share them, but I own the building so we don't pay rent."

"Well then, based on these records I have for Cloud's income, $500 a month is entirely within his needs. Next case, please." Reeve wrote down his judgement while waiting for the next case.

Cloud pouted before going to sit in the gallery, Tifa trying to apologize as she took a seat next to him. Sitting on the other side of Cloud, Vincent was wondering how the hell he got dragged down here for this spectacle, just because Yuffie was the court reporter.

"Case of Sinclair vs. Shinra. Will the defendant please come forward and be sworn in?" Barret boomed, and Rufus came forward, taking his place at the plaintiff's table after being sworn in.

"Mr. Sinclair, will you please explain why you are suing Mr. Shinra, and for how much?"

"It was his lab's fault I'm pregnant! And they've ruined me and my reputation! No woman is gonna have sex with a guy who's been outed as being pregnant! I'll never be Midgar's top womanizer ever again! Ow!" Reno exclaimed as Elena suddenly squeezed hard enough to make his hand hurt.

"You just want to be able to sleep with other women again? You little slut!" Elena yelled and slapped him before storming out of the courtroom.

"And they just cost me my girlfriend too!" Reno started crying as his hormones got the better of him. "And I had to buy fatter pants and I can't find a shirt that doesn't make…well if I had breasts, they'd be itching terribly right now!"

Reeve caught Rufus glaring at him while fingering his revolver and Reeve cleared his throat nervously. "Ahem, well yes, I find insufficient evidence to find Mr. Shinra liable for anything since you went willingly to the lab. Next case please."

Tifa went over to Reno since he was alone now, and helped him to a seat next to Rude, who tried to lean away from Reno as if afraid he might be contagious, or simply didn't know how to handle his laidback partner having turned into a hormonal mess.

"Strife vs. Sephiroth, please step forward." Barret was getting really bored with this, plus it made him nervous to be in the same room with Sephiroth.

"Mr. Strife, you are also seeking child support, from Mr. Sephiroth, correct?" Reeve asked after Sephiroth had been sworn in.

Cloud nodded. "Especially now that I have to pay Reno."

"Is this the result of the same failed experiment that resulted in Mr. Sinclair's pregnancy?"

"Yes, Your Honor. But I'm carrying twins."

"I see. Is that why you're asking for $2000 a month?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Very well. Mr. Sephiroth, do you have anything to say in your own defense?" Reeve asked.

Sephiroth unsheathed his blade and chopped the defendant's table in half. "I'm the man, baby!" he said as he stuck his sword into the floor a little, putting his hands on the hilt and laying his chin on them.

"Um, case dismissed. Court is recessed until tomorrow." Reeve bolted for the door to his chambers, where he hid under his desk.

* * *

Everyone involved in the court proceedings except Sephiroth, gathered at 7th Heaven. Elena sat in a far corner of the room away from Reno, and Tifa was doing her best to mend fences between Cloud and Reno. But she refused to let either of them have alcohol.

"I'll take up a collection at work for you guys if it would help." Yuffie told the two pregnant men.

"Not being pregnant would help." Reno blurted out, and he looked like he was going to start crying again. Cloud would have smiled at that, but Reno's comment in court about his non-breasts itching had jinxed him, and he just wanted to scratch himself.

"It'll all work out, and Elena will forgive you." Tifa said optimistically. "Maybe she's just shook up at the thought of being a mother." Tifa paused as she realized that Elena wouldn't be the mother or the father to Reno's offspring, biologically speaking.

Vincent tried to cheer Cloud up as well. "And you're the first man to not only impregnate another man, but get impregnated by another man at the same time. You've made history again."


End file.
